


Disobedience

by melikeuddin



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ancient Rome, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26234248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melikeuddin/pseuds/melikeuddin
Summary: Clara was a gladiatrix, a fighter, a murderer. She was fearless, she wasn’t afraid of dying. She had lost the will to care about living many years ago. She was waiting for death to come and take her.Iacomus was in love with Clara for the last four years and he would happily die for her if she ever needed him. He would risk anything for her. But Clara didn’t know him, she wasn’t aware of his existence and how could she be? It wasn’t easy to reach the best gladiatrix of Rome. Dominus Maxentius wouldn’t let any man to get close to his most precious fighter. Iacomus knew Saturnalia was his only chance to meet Clara and this year he would do his best to get the permission from Dominus.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Geillis Duncan, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 23
Kudos: 28





	1. A Lost Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!!  
> After taking a long break, I'm back! I apologize from those who were waiting for the rest of this story when I suddenly decided to delete my account and disappear. Everyone needs to get away from things sometimes... I hope you all understand me.
> 
> Thank you my dear friend Janmarie for the beta. I'm forever grateful for your presence in my life. 🖤🖤🖤

‘’ **KILL! KILL! KILL!’** ’ It wasn’t the first time Clara was hearing the crowd demanding her to kill her rival and it wouldn’t be the last either, until Clara put an end to it. The said rival was on the ground lying on her back with Clara’s sword at her throat. She was younger than Clara and she was terrified; Clara could see fear in her face. She was begging Clara not to kill her with her eyes. She was a brave woman, braver than most of her other rivals. She also fought with her all power to defeat Clara, but she wasn’t as experienced as Clara. In fact, she was one of the newest _**gladiatrices**_ of _**Dominus**_ Maxentius. She wasn’t a fragile girl, but she wasn’t the best choice to be a _**gladiatrix**_ , either. Clara didn’t know her story, didn’t know why she was forced to be part of this servitude, but Clara knew she didn’t have a family like most of them. When Clara saw her for the first time, she thought she was a slave who was working for Dominus, she would have never guessed she would be a gladiatrix. But here she was waiting for Clara to decide to what to do next, she was hardly breathing, sweat was streaming down her face.

Clara looked up at the audience to see their faces and decipher what they wanted her to do. There was always the same expressions towards the end of a fight, the hunger for bloodshed. They wanted her to kill her rival and spill her blood. These people were crazed for blood, for death and Claire was the one who could give them what they wanted.

But Clara didn’t want to kill her. She was tired of killing people to entertain the crowds. She was sick of it. She was a healer, she was born to heal people not to hurt them, to kill them.

She was a famous healer in her hometown, people came to her from all the villages, seeking her needed healing skills. But she was very far from her home now. She could never go back there. She didn’t want to go, either. That place wasn’t her home anymore, it hadn’t been her home since they killed her husband in front of her eyes. It has been five years since the Roman soldiers brought her to Rome for exile. And nowhere in Rome, she was the most famous gladiatrix, known for her fighting and killing skills.

She was living in a small village in the south of _**Britannia** _when the Romans invaded their lands. She was an orphan; her uncle was the one who raised her and when the time came, he arranged an agreeable marriage for her. Her husband Allard was a farmer and an honest man. She was 17 and Allard was 24 when they got married. Her uncle was living with them, helping Allard with the fields. Her uncle died when Clara was 20. They wanted to have children more than anything, but they couldn’t conceive a child. It was sad and painful for her to not be able to be a mother to Allard’s children. She knew he would be a great father. He was always comforting her, supporting her and assuring her that she would be a mother one day. He never complained. He wasn’t like other men.

The crowd was chanting at her to kill the rival, but Clara knew she didn’t want to kill her. She would spare her life, but needed the Emperor’s permission to do so. She had to look up in the arena at the Emperor to see his decision. Sometimes, Emperor didn’t attend the games, her job was easier at that times because she could free her rival without thinking about its consequences. But today she wasn’t lucky, and she knew Emperor usually wanted to see dead bodies on the ground. She looked at her rival once again and then raised her head to see Emperor’s decision. It was like she guessed; thumps down. She raised her sword to cut her rival’s throat but then she changed her mind and stuck it in the ground.

The crowd went crazy after seeing this action. Now she was the one who was going to die. Clara wasn’t afraid of death. The Emperor stood up suddenly, looking frustrated. He was going to command his guards to arrest her but one of his young consultants went to him, he whispered something in his ear. Emperor looked at his consultant unbelievingly, it was clear that he didn’t approve what his consultant said but he looked at Clara one last time and left. Everyone was shocked. Clara didn’t expect this. She thought Emperor would arrest her and feed her to the lions. It was a first for everyone. She knew she owed her life to that young consultant. She looked at his face carefully and nodded her head. She could swear she saw a small smile on his lips. He also nodded his head and left to catch the Emperor.

Clara knew the Romans were strange in many ways. Their traditions were different from hers. They celebrated almost anything. Clara’s favourite festival was **_Saturnalia_**. It was celebrated from 17 December to 23 December in honour of god Saturnus -the god of Agriculture.

People would decorate their homes with wreaths and different kind of greeneries. Instead of wearing their traditional togas, they would wear colourful robes known as synthesis.

Romans didn’t work during Saturnalia. They would spend their time with singing, playing music, gambling. They would give gifts to each other to cherish their friendship. They would sacrifice animals for their Gods, they would thank Saturnus for his generosity.

The masters and slaves would switch their positions for a day. They would even share the same food, they would feast and eat together as if they were equals. The odd thing; they would talk about the good old days where all people were equal and no one was the property of another.

Not being a gladiatrix for a week was something blissful for Clara. The regimen was demanding, they would wake up at dawn and they would train all day. At the end of the day, she could hardly stay awake. She would eat her dinner and sleep. Since she became the best gladiatrix in the arena, Dominus was making her ** _Domina_** during the Saturnalia. It started four years ago.

But this year, she couldn’t hope for such a thing because Dominus was very angry at her. He told her she should have obeyed Emperor and killed her rival. He said she was lucky that she was alive. Clara wasn’t concerned about what Dominus said. She told him she would die happily if Emperor wanted. She knew she was very precious to Dominus because she had never lost a fight since she became a gladiatrix. That’s why Dominus didn’t want to lose her because of her reckless behaviours.

During Saturnalia the citizens would not just switch their positions but also their houses. The masters would change their homes for a day, to see how they would be treated by other slaves. Or if they didn’t want to be slaves of their own slaves, they would go other places. They wanted their slaves to feel free for a day and to have their masters as their slaves, sometimes wasn’t the best situation . So, in these instances, it was better for both sides to change houses for the day.

Clara’s slaves would be mostly senators and noble women. Last year, she met a noble woman named Maria. They were very kind towards each other. Maria could be a good friend to her if their position and lifestyle in society weren’t so different. But since that day, Maria was coming to watch her at the arena every time she had a fight. She even visited her sometimes.

Even though she was sure Dominus wouldn’t give her the highest position at home this year, Clara was still happy about Saturnalia. Everyone was happy for a week and it was definitely something to celebrate.

As she predicted Dominus chose another gladiatrix to be Domina but still he reserved a part of the house for Clara, he had a big house. He didn’t want her to feel punished. Clara didn’t know who she would meet this time, but she was excited. She went the room Dominus chose for her and started to wait for her _slave_ ’s arrival. It was nearly evening when he arrived.

‘’You’re late,’’ she said tonelessly. She recognized the young man who was standing in front of her. He was Emperor’s consultant; the one who saved her life. In fact, Clara noticed him long before that last fight. He would never miss her fighting. Clara remembered him because a man of his stature was hard to miss. He was tall and had red curly hair. Clara didn’t know the colour of his eyes…until now. He had the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen. He was a handsome man; Clara could watch his face for hours.

‘’I’m sorry Mistress,’’ he apologized. ‘’I didn’t know you weren’t Domina, it took some time to find you.’’ But of course he was lying. He couldn’t tell her the real reason of his late arrival. He couldn’t tell her that he was trying to convince Dominus to let him be Clara’s slave for the day since early this morning.

_‘’Look, Iacomus, I’m not sure how many times I can say this but I can’t let you to be her slave,’’ Dominus was annoyed, angry and exhausted. This young man was really stubborn. ‘’It’s my final decision.’’_

_‘’But why?’’ Iacomus asked desperately, ‘’I know, Senator Octavius was her slave two years ago. Why can’t I be?’’_

_‘’Because Octavius was an old man and it was just a coincidence. He didn’t ask for it, in fact it was me who wanted to introduce my best fighter to him.’’_

_‘’You know, if I want, I can force you to obey me.’’ Iacomus hated to use his powerful position for his personal affairs, but if it was his last choice, he wouldn’t hesitate for a moment._

_‘’I know you can.’’ Dominus didn’t know the kinship between Iacomus and Emperor, he didn’t know he was Emperor’s nephew. But he knew he was one of the Emperor’s consultants and that’s why he was so much more powerful than Dominus. Iacomus could have him killed if he wanted to. Dominus didn’t have a choice but to give him what he wanted._

_‘’So?’’ Iacomus crossed his arms._

_‘’Ok, fine,’’ Dominus said unpleasantly, ‘’but if something happens between you two, if you try to force yourself on her or if you hurt her, you should know that I’ll try my damnest for Emperor to punish you as you deserve.’’_

_‘’All I want is to meet her,’’ Iacomus answered honestly, ‘’and as you know, she can kill me with her bare hands, if she wants to.’’_

_‘’Yes, she can,’’ Dominus was very proud of her. ‘’ Be careful when you approach her.’’_

_‘’I will,’’ Iacomus was happy, very happy. ‘’Thank you, Dominus, truly.’’_

‘’It’s just an excuse. I have been waiting here for hours,’’ Clara said seriously. The truth is, she wasn’t angry at him, she just wanted to tease him.

He was trying to act cool, but it was not that easy. The way she was talking was driving him crazy. He knew she was an outsider, an outlander; his language wasn’t her native language, but he could never imagine that she would have such an adorable accent. She was bewitching him.

‘’Do you want to punish me, then?’’ he asked innocently. His face was so adorable Clara could hardly manage to stop herself to touch him. She didn’t know what was happening to her.

‘’Would you punish me if I was your slave?’’ she asked as if she was challenging him.

‘’No, no. I would never do that to you,’’ he answered immediately.

‘’Well, ok then. I won’t punish you,’’ she said smiling. ‘’In fact, I was going to thank you for saving my life.’’

‘’Saving your life?’’ he was confused. ‘’Yes, remember that day in the arena when I refused to kill my rival… I was so sure that Emperor would have me killed, but then you told him something and he changed his mind,’’ she said and looked at his face

. ‘’Well, I was trying to prevent a disaster.’’

‘’What kind of disaster?’’ she asked sceptically. ‘’What did you tell him?’’

‘’I told him that you were the best gladiatrix and you were everyone’s favourite. And… and I told him that the crowd would go mad if he killed you,’’ he said calmly. The truth is, he couldn’t stand the idea of her death. He knew he was risking his life too when he told this to Emperor, but he couldn’t just let her die. He would happily die while trying to save her life.

‘’I see,’’ she said a little excitedly, avoiding his gaze. She didn’t know why she was struggling to control herself in front of this young man. He was very impressive, and complimented her superior skills as a gladiatrix. Of course, she knew she was the best, but hearing him say so gave her a feeling of pride.

‘’Shall I introduce myself, Mistress?’’ he asked in a serious tone. Clara nodded her head with a sweet smile. ‘’I’m Iacomus, the Emperor’s consultant and your slave for tonight, ‘’ he said and bowed in front of her. His gest made her utterly happy. She was feeling like a teenage girl who couldn’t hide her emotions.

‘’I’m glad to meet you, Iacomus. I guess I don’t need to introduce myself?’’ she said in a questioning tone.

‘’I know you Mistress Clara,’’ he smiled shyly. His smile made him even more irresistible. This would be a long night for her.

‘’Do you know me or just my name?’’ she asked amusingly.

‘’Well, I know your name, your profession. I know you’re not from here. You’re from Britannia, if I’m not wrong,’’ he said, suddenly not so sure of himself. He didn’t know her at all and his comments were common knowledge. He felt like an idiot. He didn’t know why he was so bold at first.

‘’Well, as I see it you don’t really know me,’’ she said laughing. Her laugh was the most amazing voice Iacomus has ever heard. ‘’But, yes I’m from Britannia. I came here five years ago,’’ she paused for a moment. ‘’Or let me rephrase it: they brought me here five years ago,’’ she added, suddenly angry.

‘’I’m so sorry,’’ he said, but to be honest he wasn’t sorry. He was sorry that they forced her to leave her home but he wasn’t sorry that she was standing right in front of him now. Because, otherwise how would he meet her if she was living in Britannia?

‘’It’s not your fault.’’

He didn’t know why they brought her here and even if he was dying to know he couldn’t ask her. Not now. It was too soon to ask such a personal question. He was hoping he would know her better by the end of this night.

‘’So, do you need me to do anything for you, Mistress?’’ he asked in a cheerful tone, he wanted to change the subject and lighten her mood.

‘’I need you to be less formal,’’ she replied smiling. ‘’Let’s pretend we’re equal for tonight.’’

‘’As you wish, my lady,’’ he said contently. ‘’But first can you go to the kitchen and fetch us a drink?’’

‘’I have a question for you Iacomus,’’ Clara said before sipping from her wine, ‘’aren’t you too young to be Emperor’s consultant?’’

‘’Well, he is my uncle and even if it’s not my dream job I didn’t have a choice but to obey him when he asked me to be one of his consultants.’’

‘’I didn’t know that,’’ Clara said, surprised.

‘’Not everyone knows this,’’ he said smiling. ‘’They might say I’m not worthy enough to be his consultant, that’s why we’re keeping our relative status a secret.’’

‘’Why did you tell me the truth then?’’ she asked seriously.

‘’Because I want you to know everything about me,’’ he said shyly. She didn’t expect this answer; she didn’t know what to say. He could see she was feeling a little bit overwhelmed by his confession. ‘’Forget I said that,’’ he said avoiding her gaze, ‘’I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.’’

‘’No, not uncomfortable,’’ she said immediately, ‘’I’m just surprised is all,’’ she added smiling. ‘’Why do you want me to know you?’’

‘’Because I want to know you.’’

‘’But I thought you said you knew me,’’ she said jokingly. This made him laugh.

‘’Well, apparently I’m an idiot who can’t control his tongue.’’ This time she was the one who was laughing.

‘’I think you are adorable,’’ she said in a husky voice, she leaned towards him unconsciously, he couldn’t help himself by meeting her halfway. He looked at her lips and licked his own in anticipation. But he wanted her to make the first move, so he waited until she sealed their lips. It was the most amazing feeling in the world; her soft lips touching his for the first time. But before he could kiss her back she broke the kiss, looking mortified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first scene is inspired by a painting called ''Pollice Verso'' by Jean-Léon Gérôme.  
> Thank you for reading!


	2. Something To Fight For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you dear Janmarie for beta❤️

‘’I’m so sorry, Iacomus,’’ she said putting some distance between them, ‘’I don’t know what came over me.’’ Her face was blushing.

‘’It’s ok Clara, I wanted to kiss you, too,’’ He said smiling but he didn’t make any move to get closer to her. 

‘’Can we please forget this happened?’’ she asked nervously, ‘’I can’t believe myself.’’ 

‘’Whatever makes you happy Clara,’’ he said trying to assure her. But he didn’t want to forget about the kiss, and he was pretty sure that he could never forget it, even if he tried. 

‘’Thank you,’’ She said silently.

‘’Do you want me to tell you about myself?’’ he offered her kindly. He wanted to change the subject for her to feel comfortable once again.

‘’Yes, please.’’ 

‘’My father is a farmer,’’ he said and saw something he hadn’t seen before in her eyes; sadness, grief, anguish... He wanted to ask her the reason, but he figured when she was ready, she would tell him. ‘’I have a sister and two brothers. My sister is married to my best friend and they have a little son. My elder brother is also married, he has two daughters and a son. And my younger brother is single like me.’’ 

‘’How old are you?’’ she asked curiously.

‘’I’m twenty-two,’’ he said as he straightened up, trying to show her how mature he was. 

‘’So young,’’ she said smiling. 

‘’Now, will you tell me about yourself Clara?’’

‘’I’m an orphan, my parents died when I was five, my uncle raised me but he’s dead, too,’’ she said heartbrokenly. He wanted to hug her and comfort her, but he knew she was still feeling ashamed because of the kiss. 

‘’Do you have any relatives in Britannia?’’ 

‘’No, I was an only child and I didn’t have any uncles or aunts,’’ she said then paused for a moment. Iacomus could see she wanted to say something else, but she was holding back. 

‘’Did you have any friends there?’’ 

‘’No, apart from my uncle I only had my…’’ she paused as if she didn’t know how to continue to talk, ‘’my husband,’’ she said in a whisper, he wasn’t sure if he heard her correctly.

‘’Your husband?’’ he asked softly, ‘’Is he not alive?’’

‘’No,’’ she said her eyes full of tears, ‘’he’s not alive.’’ And she started to cry. 

Iacomus couldn’t stand to see her in pain, he took her in his arms and let her cry. He knew it wasn’t appropriate to enjoy her closeness this much when she was mourning for her late husband, but he couldn’t ignore how good she felt in his arms. After a while she raised her face to look at his and saw love in his eyes. She didn’t know why but she wanted to kiss him. Maybe she just wanted to be loved, something she hasn’t felt these last five years. 

‘’Iacomus,’’ she said silently, ‘’this time I don’t want to kiss you before I ask for permission,’’ she added shyly, ‘’may I kiss you?’’ 

‘’Yes, please,’’ he said breathlessly, ‘’please kiss me Clara.’’

She didn’t need to hear more, so she pressed her lips against his for the second time. This time he was kissing her back, he wanted to make her feel good, make her forget her pain, her grief. They kissed for a long time until she broke the kiss for some air. 

‘’You know you’re the first man I have kissed since my husband’s death; I don’t usually kiss strangers.’’ She looked at his face smiling. 

‘’I’m glad to hear it,‘’ he said giving her a sweet smile. ‘’I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but can you tell me how your husband died? I mean if you want to talk about it I’m ready to listen.’’ 

‘’He was killed by Roman soldiers,’’ she said directly.

‘’Oh, I’m sorry, so sorry Clara,’’ he said apologetically, as if he was the one who was responsible for her husband’s death. 

‘’You don’t need to apologize Iacomus, it’s not your fault,’’ she said softly, caressing his face. 

‘’Why did they kill him?’’

‘’He was trying to protect me but there were too many of them, he fought until his last breath… and the worst part is they made me watch my husband die in front my eyes,’’ she said and started crying. ‘’Their commander wanted me, he asked me to be his mistress, but I would never accept such a thing,’’ she said in disgust. ‘’One day I was alone at home, my husband was out in the fields, he was a farmer,’’ now Iacomus understood the reason of her sadness when he said his father was a farmer, ‘’the commander came to our house and forced himself on me, I tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He said he would have me whether I like it or not. So I did the only thing I could: I killed him.’’

‘’Oh Clara, I’m sorry this happened to you.’’ He hugged her tightly, he wanted to keep her in his arms forever to protect her from any harm.

‘’When my husband arrived at home the soldiers were waiting for another commander to come and decide what to do about me,’’ she continued her story. ‘’ They didn’t let me explain to my husband what happened…they killed him,’’ she couldn’t talk anymore, she was sobbing.

Iacomus had never felt so helpless in his life. He would do anything to make her feel better. But the only thing he could do was hold her tight and let her cry. ‘’If you don’t want to tell me the rest I’ll understand,’’ he said softly, caressing her hair. 

‘’No, I want to… I need to tell you. I have never talked about this with anyone. I just need someone to know my truth,’’ he nodded his head and placed a kiss on her forehead.

‘’At first, I thought they were going to kill me because I killed their commander. When the other commander arrived he said it would be a waste to kill such a beautiful woman,’’ she said angrily as she vividly remembered the soldier, ‘’so they decided to send me here into exile after flogging me first and then…’’ she was becoming angrier.

‘’Please, calm down, Clara,’’ he said softly, ‘’they can’t hurt you anymore, I’m here, I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again.’’ 

‘’Please don’t make promises you can’t keep Iacomus,’’ she smiled sadly. ‘’I’m a gladiatrix, I’ll die in the arena one day.’’

‘’No, you don’t have to live this life Clara,’’ he said desperately. ‘’I can buy you from Dominus and then free you. After that you can live your life as you want to.’’

‘’Dominus will never let me go,’’ she replied firmly. 

‘’If Emperor orders him, he will have to let you go.’’ 

‘’And you think Emperor will do anything for me after I disobeyed him in front of thousands people?’’ 

‘’He’ll do it for me,’’ he said trying to look confident. 

‘’No, Iacomus, I don’t want this. I don’t want you to risk your position for me.’’

‘’I would do anything for you Clara.’’ He said, his voice full of emotion as if he was going to cry. Because if you die, I’ll die, too, he wanted to add. 

‘’No, you won’t. You don’t know me Iacomus. I won’t let you make sacrifices for me, I’m not worthy of that.’’

‘’You deserve the world Clara. How can you not know that?’’ 

‘’You’re a good man Iacomus,’’ she said tenderly. ‘’ I need you to promise me something.’’ 

‘’Anything Clara.’’ 

‘’Promise me that you’ll forget me when this night is over, and you’ll never try to reach me.’’ 

‘’I can’t do that Clara.’’ How could he? He was in love with her for these last four years. How could he promise her he would forget her after knowing what happened to her?

‘’You must,’’ she said seriously. 

‘’But I want you in my life.’’ 

‘’It’s impossible and you know that, so stop being stubborn and promise me.’’ 

‘’I can’t,’’ he simply said.

‘’Then I must ask you to leave right now,’’ she said getting up. Iacomus could see how serious she was. 

‘’Ok, ok. I promise,’’ he said hurriedly but he knew he was lying. He could never forget her. 

After he promised her, she relaxed a bit and they started to talk about anything and everything. He was such a sweet man. She could easily fall in love with him if she wasn’t a gladiatrix. But she wasn’t a dreamer, she knew she could never have a future with him. 

‘’Clara, your back…the scars…’’ he said trying to be careful, he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable once again, ‘’did Roman soldiers do that to you? Is this because of flogging?’’

‘’Yes,’’ she said tensely.

‘’Can I see it?’’ he knew he didn’t have the right to ask this of her, but he couldn’t help himself.

She didn’t answer him, she got up, turned her back to him and removed her dress. Her beauty took his breath away, even though her back was full of scars it was still very beautiful. He approached her attentively and touched her back lightly. She didn’t shy from his touch, so his hands started to wander on her back. He suddenly felt brave and planted a kiss on her back. She leaned to him and he kissed her more. Her naked form was doing this to him, he has never felt this aroused before. 

When she arrived in Rome, Clara swore an oath; she would never let a man to touch her. That’s why she chose to be a gladiatrix because if she became a simple slave, she would have to satisfy the sexual needs of the men of the house. A slave had no right on her own life. So, Clara made a deal with Dominus to have at least some rights on her body. 

But right now she wanted to feel Iacomus’s touch on her body. She wanted to feel desired. She wanted to feel like a woman again, not a gladiatrix; a murderer…His tender kisses on her back was driving her crazy. 

‘’Iacomus…’’ she said in a whisper as she turned her face to him. 

‘’Clara…’’ he said trying to find something to say. Her beauty continued to take his breath away. He touched her face, looking into her eyes. He could get lost in the depth of her eyes, ‘’You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.’’ 

This comment made her blush. She smiled shyly. Since she became a gladiatrix she has never felt this feminine. She was a fighter, there was no place for emotions in her heart. But right now she was feeling like a woman again, his intense gaze was making her feel like she was truly beautiful. 

‘’Take off your clothes,’’ she said in a husky voice, ‘’I want to see you.’’

‘’Are you sure?’’ he was fighting with himself to not touch her body.

‘’Well, it’s not fair for you to be fully clothed while I’m standing naked here,’’ she said smiling. 

‘’Ok, then,’’ he said grinning like an idiot. He undressed slowly never breaking eye contact with her. 

Clara approached him, she touched his chest slightly and he moaned softly. She was so happy to have such an impact on him. She continued to touch him, he had a beautiful body, all muscled. She could see how much he wanted her, and she wanted him, too. She raised her head, looked at his face, his eyes were almost black with desire. 

He took her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. She opened her mouth to deepen the kiss. They shared a long, passionate kiss. When she finally broke the kiss, they both were breathing rapidly.

‘’Iacomus,’’ she said panting, ‘’make love to me.’’ 

He didn’t answer her and started to kiss her more roughly. ‘’I need to tell you something Clara,’’ he said, pressing his forehead to hers, ‘’I’ve never done this before. I’m a virgin.’’ He suddenly felt shy.

She didn’t except him to say something like that, ‘’well, we don’t have to this if you don’t want to,’’ she took a step back to put some distance between them. 

‘’No, no,’’ he said hastily, approaching her, ‘’I want you Clara…I want you so much that I can scarcely breath.’’ He gave her a soft kiss, ‘’I just don’t want to disappoint you.’’ 

‘’I’m pretty sure you won’t,’’ she said smiling. ‘’Come with me,’’ she took his hand and took him to bed. 

She knew it wasn’t the wisest thing to do. She knew she wasn’t allowed to sleep with a man, Dominus didn’t want to lose his precious fighters due to an unexpected pregnancy. But she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have this problem, because she has never able to get pregnant before, even when she tried. 

Afterwards Clara was lying with her head on his chest, he was sleeping peacefully. She was feeling fully satisfied. He was clumsy at first time, so she didn’t enjoy it much. But he was eager to please her, so the second time he lasted longer than the first time and truly pleased her. She smiled contently and placed a soft kiss on his chest and closed her eyes.

The next morning Iacomus woke up in a strange place, he wasn’t at his home. Then, he remembered last night and smiled. He looked to the other side of the bed to see Clara, but she wasn’t there. He felt disappointed. But he knew he had no right to question her, after all she made him promise to forget about last night. He got up and dressed. He was dying to go and find Clara, but he couldn’t. He had to find a way to save her from this place. He would never rest until he found a way out for her. He would beg his Uncle if he had to. He would risk everything he had to free her. 

Two months later, Clara realized that her body was changing. She was feeling so much more tired than before and she knew it wasn’t because of the training. She used to be healer, she knew the reason for these changes. She didn’t dare to hope, but realized she had been wrong when she thought she couldn’t have children. And deep down she knew she wasn’t alone anymore. For the first time in five years, she had something to fight for.


	3. Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you dear Janmarie for the beta❤️

Iacomus was thinking about Clara every day. He couldn’t get her out of his mind; she was in his every thought. Even when he was sleeping, he would see her in his dreams. He would dream of a future with her by his side. He would take her to his home and introduce her to his parents. He even would ask for their blessings to marry her. He knew he was being very optimistic but all he wanted was a life with Clara. It was that simple.

He went to Dominus Maxentius’s house almost every day, but he didn’t dare to go inside and ask about Clara. He knew Maxentius wouldn’t welcome him. But Iacomus didn’t care about him; he feared Clara wouldn’t be happy to see him or worse she would get angry and accuse him of lying. Because he would have to break his promise to her. The promise that he would forget Clara after their night together was over. 

What if she doesn’t want to see him? What if she has forgotten him already? What if she never thought about him again since that night they spend together? What if she didn’t care about him as much as he cared about her?

Iacomus knew once he saw her all his questions would be answered. But he wasn’t brave enough to see her knowing she could reject him. He was a stranger to her after all. Spending a night with him may not have changed her forever, make her magically fall in love, as it did him. Maybe she wouldn’t want him in her life. 

But most importantly, Iacomus simply wanted her to be happy. He wanted to save her; he wanted to give her everything that had been stolen from her by his people. He wanted to give her life back. He wanted to give her a place she could call home. He wanted her to be free. 

He knew without his Uncle’s help he couldn’t save her, but he didn’t know what to tell his Uncle. He couldn’t tell him the truth because he knew his Uncle well enough that once he learned what happened between them, he would refuse to help his nephew. Iacomus had to be careful when he asked his Uncle for help. If he found out how precious Clara was for Iacomus, his Uncle would ask for a favour in return. The Emperor would never do anything for free. 

In two days, there would be some gladiator games again. Thanks to Gods, his Uncle wouldn’t attend the games. Iacomus hoped he would see Clara fighting once again. Normally, he would be anxious before Clara’s match because, as she told him, she could die in that arena. But this time Iacomus was excited. After seeing how strong she was, he knew no one could beat her. She was a survivor.

And of course he was happy. He had missed her terribly. He knew he wouldn’t have a chance to talk to her. But even seeing her would be enough for him to be joyful.

Clara’s only friend amongst the gladiatrices was Gyllis. Clara didn’t want to befriend her opponents, because they could be her rival one day, and it would hurt her more to kill a friend. So, usually she wouldn’t talk to any one during training, except for when it was necessary. But thank the Gods, Gyllis was the second-best gladiatrix, that’s why Dominus would never make her Clara’s rival. He didn’t want to lose neither of them.

Gyllis was originally from Lacedaemon but she lived in Rome most of her adult life. She knew Roman people pretty well. She was familiar with their traditions and customs. When Clara first arrived at Dominus Maxentius’s home, Gyllis was the first one who introduced herself and welcomed her. She helped Clara to start a new life in Rome. 

Gyllis and Clara were the only gladiatrices who had their own chambers. But Gyllis would usually sleep with the others. Or even when she slept in her room, she wouldn’t be alone in her bed. She didn’t like to sleep alone. Tonight, she was with the other women again. Clara walked silently towards the bed where Gyllis was lying. 

‘’Gyllis, are you awake?’’ Clara asked quietly not wanting to awake anyone. 

‘’Huh?’’ Gyllis rasped. ‘’Clara, what happened?’’ she asked sleepily.

‘’Wake up, Gyllis. I need your help.’’ 

‘’Can’t it wait?’’ 

‘’No, it’s urgent.’’

‘’For the love of Gods!’’ Gyllis exclaimed, ‘’it’s the middle of the night. What can be so urgent that it can’t wait until tomorrow?’’

‘’Keep your voice low,’’ Clara whispered, ‘’you’ll wake the others. And as you know, you can die tomorrow and this might be my last chance to talk to you.’’ 

‘’You sure know how to encourage people!’’ 

Clara chuckled softly, ‘’Gyllis, please!’’

‘’Fine,’’ Gyllis answered grumpily, ‘’what do you want?’’ 

‘’I need you to come to my room.’’

‘’You’re inviting me to your room,’’ Gyllis got up from the bed, ‘’at this hour of the night,’’ she added pensively, ‘’does this mean what I think it means?’’

‘’I’m not sure I understand what you mean.’’

‘’You finally invite me to your bed.’’ Gyllis looked at her expectantly. 

‘’What! NO!’’ Clara reacted immediately. She couldn’t stop herself from laughing at her friend’s face. ‘’I need to talk to you about something. Please, come with me.’’ 

‘’Are you sure that I can’t change your mind?’’ The truth is, she knew Clara would never lay with her. But it wouldn’t hurt to ask, trying her chances once more. 

‘’C’mon Gyllis, let’s get out of here,’’ Clara grabbed her hand and dragged her outside. 

‘’Ok, ok, I’m coming. No need to hurry.’’ 

‘’So, Clara, what do you want to talk about?’’ Gyllis asked once they were in Clara’s room. 

‘’Come sit with me,’’ Clara was sitting on her bed.

‘’You’re giving me very mixed signals, Clara.’’ She said jokingly sitting right beside her.

‘’Gyllis, please be serious for a moment,’’ Clara pleaded. ‘’I really need your help.’’

‘’Ok, I’m listening.’’ Gyllis was serious this time. 

Clara took a deep breath. She didn’t know how to tell her the news. She didn’t know how she would react. She desperately needed her help and support. Gyllis was the only one who Clara could share her secret with.

‘’I’m with child.’’ 

‘’What? How?’’

‘’I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how it happened.’’

‘’Clara…’’ Gyllis said and she paused; she didn’t know what to say. ‘’I have so many questions… How did this happen? Seriously? I mean, I thought you had no interest in sleeping with anyone... did someone force you?’’ She couldn’t hide the worry in her voice.

‘’No, Gyllis no one forced me into anything. It happened because I wanted it to.’’ Clara was talking shyly, looking down at the floor. 

‘’Oh!’’ Gyllis said, surprised. ‘’When did it happen? Who is the father?’’

‘’Remember I told you about the Emperor’s consultant…’’

‘’The one who saved your life,’’ Gyllis interrupted her. 

‘’The very same,’’ Clara confirmed. ‘’I didn’t tell you everything that happened between us the night he was my slave,’’ she said ashamedly. 

‘’You slept with him.’’

‘’Yes, I did. What will I do now Gyllis? What will happen to me and my child if Dominus finds out?’’ Clara was afraid. Maxentius could be a cruel man sometimes. 

‘’ Didn’t you think about taking a precaution, you know, before sleeping with him? You could have prevented this.’’

‘’Because I thought I could never have a child.’’

‘’I don’t understand,’’ Gyllis was confused.

‘’There are things… you don’t know about my life.’’

‘’Well, it’s because you never talk about the life you had in Britannia.’’

‘’It gives me pain to think about my home there,’’ Clara explained honestly. ‘’ I promise, I’ll tell you everything later.’’

‘’I didn’t mean to pressure,‘’ Gyllis assured her. ‘’You can tell me whenever you’re ready.’’

‘’Thank you, Gyllis, truly.’’ Clara smiled at her friend. ‘’But there’s something I need to tell you now… I was married for five years before I came here.’’

‘’What?’’ Gyllis couldn’t stop herself from reacting. 

‘’I know, it’s shocking for you… I’ve never had a child and I always thought there was something wrong with my body…but now I know I was wrong.’’

‘’But where’s your husband now? How did he let the Romans to take you from him?’’

‘’He’s not alive. Roman soldiers killed him.’’

‘’Oh, I’m very sorry Clara,’’ Gyllis hugged her tightly. 

‘’It’s okay Gyllis, I don’t grieve for him anymore, although I still miss him.’’ Clara’s voice was wistful.

At that moment, Clara realized she hadn’t thought about Allard since her evening with Iacomus. She felt bad. She felt like she betrayed him. He was killed by Romans and now she was carrying a Roman’s child. Would Allard hate her for it? Would he wish her dead? 

No, he wouldn’t. Clara knew Allard would be happy for her. Iacomus was a good and honourable man. Allard wouldn’t hate him if he knew him. Clara hoped wherever Allard was right now, he was happy and well. She hoped his soul would rest in peace. 

‘’Does this make me a terrible person?’’ she asked with a hint of sadness in her voice.

‘’No, Clara, you’re not a terrible person. Five years is a long time. You’re right to not grieve over him anymore.’’ 

‘’Thank you, Gyllis.’’ She smiled thankfully. ‘’So, now, what should I do?’’ 

‘’You must make an important decision first. Do you want to keep this child?’’

‘’Yes,’’ Clara answered without hesitation. 

‘’Are you sure, Clara? You should be realistic about this. Dominus won’t be happy when you tell him. He even might force you to give up your child.’’ Gyllis didn’t want to break her friend’s heart but she knew Dominus well. She didn’t want Clara to have naïve expectations. 

‘’I know,’’ Clara said desperately. ‘’That’s why I need your help. I can’t lose this child Gyllis. I’ll do anything to protect my child from any harm. I’m ready to fight for her.’’

‘’Her?’’ Gyllis smiled despite the situation, ‘’how do you know you will have a daughter?’’

‘’It’s a feeling I can’t explain… It’s like I just know this child will be the daughter I’ve always wanted to have.’’ She placed her hands on her belly. She wasn’t showing yet but knowing there was a child safe in her womb made her incredibly happy. 

‘’I don’t want to discourage you,’’ Gyllis started to speak sadly, ‘’but even if Dominus will let you bring her into this world, he won’t let you keep her. He’ll either send her to a brothel and they’ll raise her to be a hetaera, or he’ll give her to the slaves of the house. Either way you won’t raise her. She won’t know you.’’ She took a deep breath. ‘’Please be reasonable, Clara.’’

‘’What do you want me to do then?’’

‘’I’m sure you know, there are herbs that can help you…’’

‘’No, Gyllis,’’ Clara stopped her. ‘’I’m not going to kill my child. I may be a murderer but I’m not going kill an innocent child…my own child…’’ The tears began to fall down her face. ‘’I can’t do it. There must be another way.’’

‘’But there’s no other way, Clara,’’ Gyllis said desperately. ‘’Even if you have a son Dominus would take him from you to be raised as a gladiator. Is this the life you want for your child? Do you want your child to have a miserable life like ours? Please, Clara listen to me. Stop this nonsense.’’

‘’Gyllis, please try to understand me,’’ Clara pleaded. ‘’ This is the only thing I’ve ever wanted…to have a child. ‘’

‘’Look Clara, I understand you, I truly do but you aren’t listening to me. I’m trying to help you here.’’

‘’What kind of help is this? You’re suggesting I kill my child,’’ Clara couldn’t keep her voice low. 

‘’You’re living in a fantasy world Clara. Please open your eyes to the reality of your world,’’ Gyllis said firmly. ‘’Dominus will never agree to let you have your child.’’

‘’Then I’ll keep this from him.’’

‘’For how long?’’ Gyllis asked angrily. Clara didn’t want to accept the situation and Gyllis was losing her patience. ‘’ You’ll start to show soon. What will you do then?’’

‘’I’ll think of something.’’ Clara said even though she didn’t know what she could do. 

‘’Gods help me,’’ Gyllis muttered under her breath, trying to find the right words to persuade Clara. She got up from the bed and began pacing in the room.

‘’Why are you being so selfish Clara?’’ Gyllis asked her in a blaming tone. 

‘’What? I’m not being selfish.‘’ Clara tried to defend herself. 

‘’Really? You only care about your wishes. You don’t think about your child’s future.’’

‘’I’m trying to save her life,’’ Clara said in a high voice. ‘’How can you say I don’t think about her future?’’ 

‘’Clara, are you happy living this life? Or would you prefer to be hetaera or a simple slave?’’ She didn’t wait for her to answer because she knew why Clara chose to be a gladiatrix. ‘’why do you want your child to live a life you would never want to live?’’

‘’I won’t let anyone harm her.’’ 

‘’Look Clara, I’m losing my mind here because of your stubbornness.’’ Gyllis didn’t want to sound harsh but she was becoming really angry and she couldn’t keep her voice low anymore. ‘’ You can’t even save yourself from this hell. How will you save her?’’ 

‘’I don’t know,‘’ Clara shouted, ‘’I don’t know, okay. All I know is I’ll keep this child no matter what.’’

‘’Then you’ll both die!’’ 

‘’I don’t care about my life. If I can’t save my child, then I’ll die with her.’’


	4. Difficulties and Possibilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you dear Janmarie for the beta❤️

Clara knew Gyllis was right. She knew Gyllis only wanted to help her. But hearing those words adversely broke her heart. She knew she would have to face some difficulties, but she never thought she would have to kill her own child. 

She never dared to think about her or the child’s future since she realized she was carrying another being in her, but Gyllis’s words made her come back to reality. She didn’t know what to do now. 

‘’Clara, I beg you, listen to me. I beg you, I beg you, open your eyes,’’ Gyllis’s pleading voice interrupted her thoughts, ‘’please, hear the truth in my words.’’ She sat beside Clara once again and held her hands looking into her eyes. ‘’What you want is impossible.’’

‘’No, it’s not,’’ Clara stubbornly said even though she knew it was. 

‘’It is, Clara, it is.’’ Gyllis said firmly. ‘’You know it as much as I do.’’ 

‘’Gyllis, please, don’t make me to do this,’’ Clara started to cry loudly. ‘’I can’t do it.’’

Gyllis’s heart broke to see her friend in such pain. She took her in her arms and started to cry with her. ‘’I know, it’s not fair but this is what we must do.’’

‘’How will I survive this? How will I go on with my life after killing my child?... I can’t… I don’t want this.’’ She was crying sobbingly. ‘’Please, Gyllis, help me.’’

‘’This is the only way I can help you, Clara.’’

‘’Then just kill me here.’’

‘’No…no…I can’t. Please don’t ask for something I can’t do.’’

‘’Why? Why can’t you? Who am I to you?’’ Clara snapped. ‘’How can you say that you can’t kill me while you expect me to kill my child so easily?’’ 

‘’It’s not the same thing!’’ Gyllis shouted at her. ‘’You’re not thinking clearly, and I can’t argue with you all night. As you said, I might die tomorrow and it may be the last time we can talk.’’ Gyllis took a deep breath trying to calm herself. ‘‘I know, you think I’m a monster and maybe I’m heartless, but please know that I would never want to hurt you. I care about you a lot, Clara and I always want you to be happy. But you’re fighting an impossible battle… and there’s nothing I can do to help you.’’

She waited for Clara to say something, but Clara remained silent. She didn’t want to keep arguing, either. 

" Please, think about what I told you. Try to understand why I want this from you.’’

‘’I will,’’ Clara answered curtly not looking at her friend. 

‘’I hope you can see my true intentions,’’ Gyllis was really upset, she didn’t want to leave Clara like this, but she could see anything she said wouldn’t change her mind. Clara needed time to think. ‘’If I die tomorrow, you know what to do. Please take care of yourself, Clara.’’

‘’You, too.’’ Clara was still not looking at her. 

‘’I’m sorry that I disappointed you. I wish I could give you what you wanted…good night.’’ 

‘’Don’t die tomorrow!’’ Clara said in a small voice. 

‘’I’ll try,’’ Gyllis said with a weak smile and left the room. 

Clara knew she was being unfair to her friend but all she could feel was a great loss. She would lose her child before having a chance to hold her in her arms. She has never felt this helpless before in her entire life. Never this fearful and hopeless… Not even when her husband died or when she had to begin a new life in a strange place. 

She had to do everything by herself then…just for herself. The only thing that mattered was her own life. She had no one left from her family. She didn’t have to think about them, to worry for them. But now, she had someone she wanted to risk everything for. She would sacrifice everything she had just to save her child. 

But everything Gyllis said was true. Even if Dominus let her child to be born, Clara wouldn’t be the one who raised her. She wouldn’t see her first smile, she wouldn’t hear her first words, she wouldn’t see her first steps. Her child would be someone else’s baby. 

But most importantly, what would happen to her child after they took her from Clara? Would they really send her to a brothel? Would he become a gladiator? Would her child have a life worse than hers and suffer? 

These were the questions hurting her most. Clara didn’t want a child so desperately knowing she would have a bad life, did she?

Two days later

‘’How are feeling?’’ Clara asked her friend who was lying on the bed. 

‘’My arm hurts a bit but I’m better.’’ Gyllis answered with a small smile. 

‘’Let me check the wound,’’ Clara offered kindly approaching the bed. 

‘’Sure,’’ Gyllis said as she sat up. 

Clara opened the bandages slowly, being careful to not hurt her. She examined the wound, which was deep but thankfully not life threatening. 

‘’What did the healer say?’’ she asked as she began to put the bandage back on the wound. 

‘’He said I shouldn’t use my arm for at least two weeks.’’ Gyllis grimaced with pain when Clara applied pressure on her arm. 

‘’Oh I’m sorry,’’ Clara apologized when she realized her mistake. 

‘’It’s ok,’’ Gyllis assured her.

‘’What were you thinking out there?’’ Clara asked suddenly angry. ‘’I mean you just stood there like… like you had been paralyzed. You could have died!’’

‘’But I haven’t died,’’ Gyllis said quietly and looked away from her. ‘’Don’t be upset, please.’’

‘’I need you to tell me what happened in the arena,’’ Clara demanded. ‘’Why did you let your guard down? How could you be so careless?’’

‘’I got distracted for a moment and didn’t see her blade coming.’’

‘’Why did you get distracted?’’ 

‘’Clara, please let it go,’’ Gyllis begged her. ‘’I’m fine…I’ll be fine. It’s not a deadly wound. I’ve been wounded worse than this.’’

‘’No, Gyllis, you have to tell me now.’’ Clara sat on the bed looking at her face expectantly. 

‘’Ok,’’ she puffed in frustration. ‘’I saw him in the crowd…the father of your child.’’

‘’You did?’’ Clara asked in a strange voice. 

‘’Yes, he was sitting very close to the arena not in his usual place.’’ Gyllis began to tell her the reason of her distraction. ‘’There was a disappointed look on his face…like he was waiting to see someone else. I bet he was waiting for you.’’ She smiled at her playfully. 

‘’Why do you think so?’’ Clara asked shyly, avoiding eye contact. 

‘’Because I think he believed he would see you fighting. But my match was the last one of the day…So, he must have guessed that he wouldn’t see you.’’

‘’Why would he even want to see me?’’ 

‘’Are you serious?’’ Gyllis smiled unbelievingly. ‘’You may not know how beautiful you are but I’m pretty sure he knows this well… along with the rest of the world.’’

‘’Gyllis, please,’’ Clara pleaded. ‘’Just tell me the rest of your story.’’ 

‘’Ok,’’ Gyllis laughed at her embarrassed face. ‘’When I noticed him, an idea struck me.’’

‘’What idea?’’ 

‘’You could ask him for help. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this before.’’

‘’I’ve thought about it. I don’t want him to know that I’m carrying his child.’’ Clara said with certainty in her voice.

‘’Why?’’ 

‘’Because I just don’t.’’ Clara shrugged. 

‘’You’re not telling me the real reason.’’

‘’Gyllis,’’ Clara didn’t know how to tell her how she was feeling about sharing the news with Iacomus. ‘’Look, I don’t want to tell him because I made him promise to forget about me, and I think he has …I mean it has been two months since we shared that night together and he never tried to contact me. Not that it upsets me, don’t get me wrong please.’’ She paused for a moment and took a deep breath.

The truth is, it was hurting her to not hearing from him, but she had no right to be angry with him. It was what she wanted after all. 

‘’I don’t want to ruin his life,’’ Clara continued. ‘’Having this child is my biggest dream but it may be his worst nightmare. Can you imagine how this could affect him? Having a child from a gladiatrix… It would ruin his life, his status and his reputation. It would take away everything he has worked for so far. And I don’t think I could live with the guilt.’’ 

To Roman people, a gladiatrix was and is many things, but she was never a woman. Clara had witnessed many times in the past how cruel the citizens could be to the gladiatrices. People would fear them, but they would never respect them. Some believed they were a symptom of corruption of the Roman society. They were women of loose morals, a shame to the womanhood. Even a hetaerae was placed in a higher place than a gladiatrix in the Roman society. 

That’s why Clara couldn’t tell Iacomus anything. She didn’t know about his real thoughts about the gladiatrices or her. He looked like a good man, but it didn’t mean he would be willing to do anything for her or the child. 

Clara would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about him these past two months. She couldn’t dare think about her feelings for him. But every time she thought about him, his image never dissipated. She didn’t love him. She knew it. Maybe she just liked him. She couldn’t describe her feelings. But she missed him dearly. She wanted to feel safe in his arms once again.

‘’No one has to know that you’re carrying his child,’’ Gyllis said. ‘’Just let him know and see if he can help you. That’s all I’m saying.’’ 

‘’No, Gyllis, I can’t. Why don’t you want to understand my concerns?’’ 

‘’You’re being stubborn for no reason,’’ Gyllis was exasperated. 

‘’No, I’m trying to be reasonable.’’ 

‘’Really? You say you will do anything keep your child safe, but you don’t want anyone’s help. How is this reasonable?’’

‘’What kind of help can he offer? Weren’t you the one who said that a free Roman citizen could never have a relationship with a gladiatrix? You said they could never marry us.’’

‘’What marriage?’’ Gyllis asked, annoyed. ‘’Yes, I told you that but I’m not saying ask the man to marry you. He can buy you.’’ 

‘’Are you serious right now?’’ Clara asked in a high voice. ‘’ What will he think of me then? He will think that I used him to get pregnant so he could buy me because I was carrying his child.’’

‘’Clara, you’re overthinking.’’ 

‘’And why do you think he would want this child anyway?’’ Clara ignored her friend’s remark. 

‘’Because this is his child as well.’’ Gyllis couldn’t keep her voice low either. 

‘’What if he decides to take my child from me? What will I do then?’’ 

‘’Clara you want your child to have a home, right? You want her to have a good life.’’

‘’Yes, but I want her to have that life with me.’’ 

‘’You really are the most stubborn person I’ve ever met.’’ Gyllis smiled softly. ‘’I’m asking you for the last time. Will you tell Iacomus about this or not?’’

‘’No, I won’t. It’s my final decision.’’ Clara tried to look confident. 

‘’Well, ok then. I think there’s only one way left to save both you and your child.’’ Gyllis said, looking pensive.

‘’What is it?’’ 

‘’I’ll buy your freedom.’’


	5. Someone to Lean on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you dear Janmarie for the beta ❤️

‘’You will what?’’ Clara asked blankly. ‘’How?’’

‘’I’ll buy you from Dominus and you can live the life you’ve always wanted with your child.’’

‘’I don’t understand. How can you buy me?’’

‘’Do you remember the first time I told you why I was here?’’

‘’Yes.’’ Clara simply said and looked at her face expectantly. She waited for her to explain but Gyllis remained silent. ‘’So?’’ she asked in an impatient tone.

‘’I told you I would tell you the whole story one day,’’ Gyllis looked away as she began to tell speak, ‘’this is that day.’’

‘’ _So, will you tell me your story now?’’ Clara asked her friend Gyllis, the only friend she made since she arrived in Rome two years ago._

_"Well, my story is simpler than yours.’’ Gyllis said with a small smile. ‘’I chose to be here.’’_

_‘’How?’’ Clara frowned._

_‘’I wanted to be a gladiatrix, so I made a deal with Dominus Maxentius.’’_

_‘’You say you are staying here willingly?’_ ’ _Clara couldn’t believe her ears. Who would want to live a life like this?_

_‘’Yes.’’_

‘’But why? Why would you want to be a murderer?’’ 

_‘’I have my own reasons.’’_

_‘’Really?’’ Clara was suddenly angry. ‘’What kind of reasons?’’_

_‘’Well, I get paid handsomely.’’ Gyllis said smiling, ignoring her friend’s anger._

_‘’You are killing people for money?’’ Clara was disgusted and she couldn’t hide it._

_‘’It’s not the only reason.’’ Gyllis said in a defending voice._

_‘’Then, please, tell me your other reasons.’’_

_When Gyllis was a young girl all she wanted was to find a good man and start their own family together. She wanted to have children, as many as possible. She wanted to raise her children as her parents raised her and her siblings. She would teach them how to fight, how to protect themselves against the evil of this world. They all would be warriors just like their mother, her little warriors._

_When she was 16, she met a merchant who was coming from Rome to make a new trade agreement with the head of their city. He was a young, handsome man and he looked respectable enough._

_At first, her family didn’t approve of this reunion because Rome was very far away. The people of Rome were different, they didn’t see women as their equal, they didn’t respect women as Spartan men did. Their daughter would have to face many difficulties._

_But the young man, Valens, promised her parents he would treat their daughter as his equal, he would always ask for her approval before making a big decision that concerned their family. He would always love and respect her. He would never force her to do something she didn’t want to do. He would cherish her. He would teach her about his own culture, but he would also learn about her culture. They would become a team_.

_After spending some time with the young man, Gyllis’s family could see how genuine he was about his promises. Eventually he garnered their trust and they gave their permission to this union._

_Valens didn’t have any family expect for an uncle and Gyllis’s family couldn’t accompany them to Rome. Her mother wanted to see her daughter’s marriage ceremony, so they decided to get married at Gyllis’s home._

_Two weeks later, the newlyweds departed for Rome._

_Valens was a man of his promise. He was doing everything he could to make life easier for his new bride. He bought two slaves for her; he didn’t want her to tire while doing the chores._

_Meanwhile Gyllis was teaching him how to fight. Being raised by his Uncle who was a merchant like him, Valens didn’t have much experience at fighting. His wife’s fighting skills were bewitching him. He was falling in love with her more with each passing day._

_In the ninth month of their marriage, Gyllis found out that she was expecting their first child. Her husband couldn’t be happier. His family finally would be complete thanks to his wife’s gift._

_Months later Valens had to leave their home. Gyllis was five months pregnant. Valens didn’t want to leave his wife, but he had no choice but to go. Gyllis assured him that she and the child would be alright. She only wanted him to come back home. Valens promised he would come back to her as soon as he could._

_But things don’t always go as planned_.

Clara had no idea that Gyllis was once married. She didn’t know that her friend liked a man’s company. Clara knew Gyllis rejected the guards many times. She always thought her friend only like women.

‘’What happened then?’’ Clara asked even though she felt like somehow she knew the answer. '’Where’s your husband? Your child?’’

‘’They’re both dead.’’

‘’I’m very sorry Gyllis.’’ Clara hugged her, trying to be careful as not to hurt her arm once again.

‘’It’s okay,’’ Gyllis answered with a small smile. ‘’It has been years since I lost them. I should tell you what happened to them.’’ She took a few deep breaths. ‘’My husband never came back home… I waited and waited but he didn’t come back. Four months later, his Uncle came to our home and told me that Valens had been killed. He was attacked by muggers when he was on his way home.’’ Tears began to fall from her face. ‘’ At first, I thought I was going to die because the pain of losing him was too much… I didn’t know how I would go on with my life. I cried for days but then I realized I had to live for our child. I owed this to Valens.’’

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Clara said once again, wiping her friend’s tears away.

‘’I gave birth to a baby boy a few days later. He was so tiny, so beautiful…and he was mine. I saw my husband when I looked at his little face. I named him Valens, after his father. I promised him I would always be there with him. I would sacrifice everything I had for him. I would love him, protect him, and even die for him.’’

Clara wanted to comfort her friend, she wanted to hug her tight and make her forget all the pain she endured but she knew Gyllis needed to finish the story. So, she stayed silent and waited patiently for her to continue.

‘’But nothing I said could help me to keep him alive…My Valens…my baby… died the day he was born. He only lived for a few hours. I couldn’t believe it at first. I didn’t want to…I couldn’t lose my baby. He was all I had. I don’t remember how many hours passed before the maid came and took my baby from my arms.’’

‘’Oh Gyllis, I’m so sorry that this happened to you.’’ Clara hugged her and cried with her. ‘’I had no idea what you went through. Why didn’t you tell me about this before?’’

‘’Because I didn’t want you to pity me. I didn’t want you to see how broken I was. I only want your friendship not your pity.’’ 

'’I would never think you were broken, Gyllis. You’re the most powerful woman I’ve ever met. I’m in awe of your strength and courage. You amaze me every day.’’

‘’Do you really think so?’’ Gyllis looked at her friend’s face expectantly.

‘’Of course.’’ Clara answered with an assuring smile. ‘’I remember when the first time I saw you fighting I was bewitched. I didn’t even know how to hold a sword properly while you were performing miracles with yours.’’

‘’And now you’re so much better than me.’’ Gyllis smiled. ‘’As they say, the student becomes the master.’’

‘’Well, I can’t say I agree with you.’’

‘’You don’t need to be humble for my sake, Clara. Everyone knows you’re the best. You’ve never lost a fight, but I did.’’

‘’Yes, I haven’t lost a match yet because I’ve never fought against you.’’ Clara reminded her. ‘’I pray the gods every day, that day never comes.’’

‘’Fear not, my friend. Dominus would never want us to fight against each other.’’

‘’I hope you’re right, Gyllis.’’

‘’You don’t need to worry, Clara,’’ Gyllis said softly, trying to assure both herself and her friend. ‘’I’ll talk to Dominus as soon as he comes back.’’

‘’What do you mean when he comes back?’’ Clara asked, confused. ‘’Is he not here?’’

‘’No, one of the guards said that he was being called to the castle. He didn’t tell me why. Anyway, shall I tell you the rest of my story?’’

‘’Yes, please.’’

‘’After I lost both my husband and son, I thought my life was over. I didn’t know what to do about my life. I was lost…Then, Valens’s uncle came to our house and told me he would help me if I wished. He said he could accompany me if I wanted to go back to my homeland. He said he could sell our house and would give me the money, so that I could start a new life wherever I wanted… but I already had so much money. My husband was a hardworking man. So, I said I didn’t want to leave my home and didn’t want to go back to Sparta. Valens’s uncle was a good man. He said he would support my decision… I tried to live in my home, but it was so hard. I would see Valens everywhere. I wanted the things I could never have. I wanted my husband back. I wanted my son…I wanted my family.’’ She took a few breaths trying to calm herself. She didn’t want to start crying again. ‘’Two months later I decided to be a gladiatrix. Because I already knew how to fight. Valens would always say that I was his warrior.’’ She smiled sadly.

‘’I know, it sounds bad, but I needed to destroy something…even if it meant to end someone’s life. I was angry at everyone, at everything. I couldn’t understand why I was being punished; I didn’t know what I did to lose everything I had.’’

‘’You didn’t do anything wrong, Gyllis. We can’t understand everything that happens to us. We, mortals, can’t control everything.’’

‘’Yes, I know that now. But at that times I couldn’t think rationally. I wanted to lose my mind. I wanted to forget everything…So, that’s how I made a deal with Dominus.’’

‘’It’s your sixth year here, right?’’ Clara asked. Gyllis nodded her head in agreement. ‘’What is the duration of the deal?’’

‘’It is… it was…our deal was…’’She mumbled. She didn’t know if it was the right time to tell Clara everything. Gyllis was afraid of her reaction.

‘’Gyllis, what is it?’’ Clara noticed her friend’s hesitation. ‘’Tell me, please!’’

‘’I don’t know if I should tell you the truth,’’ Gyllis answered, looking away from her friend. There was a hint of desperation in her voice. ‘’I don’t want to disappoint you once again, Clara. But I’m afraid once you hear the truth everything between us will change.’’

‘’Gyllis, you’re scaring me. Just tell me.’’

‘’You have so much to deal with already. I don’t want to increase your burdens.’’ Gyllis carefully pulled herself to the other side of the bed. ‘’And what if you hate me? What if you don’t believe me anymore? What if you think I somehow tricked you?’’

‘’Gyllis, you’re not making any sense. Please, stop this nonsense and answer my question.’’ Clara demanded firmly. She was trying to be patient with her but Gyllis was avoiding her question and Clara didn’t understand why.

‘’Alright,’’ Gyllis took a deep breath. ‘’I’ll tell you if you promise me that we will never talk about it ever again.’’

‘’Fine,’’ Clara replied, irritated.

‘’The exact duration of the deal was two years. I was going leave here nine months after you arrived.’’

‘’But you didn’t…Why?’’

‘’Because I made a new deal with Dominus.’’

‘’And?’’ Clara asked impatiently.

‘’According to new deal, I’ll stay here as long as you are here.’’

‘’What? I don’t understand.’’

_The first time Gyllis saw Clara, she was a broken woman. Clara was looking so vulnerable that it hurt Gyllis deeply seeing her in that state. She looked terrified and Gyllis wanted to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be fine. She reminded her of herself…her old self. Gyllis didn’t want Clara to feel lonely. She knew that feeling very well._

_Clara was looking like little child; lost and scared. Gyllis could see what she was thinking very clearly on her face. Clara was looking around hoping to see a familiar face, even though she knew she wouldn’t find one. That’s when Gyllis decided to go and introduce herself._

_Since that day Gyllis always stood beside Clara. She promised herself that she would never let her down. She would never let her fail. That’s why Gyllis volunteered to be the one who trained Clara. And she wouldn’t allow Dominus to force Clara to fight until she was certain she was ready._

_The first time Clara beat her rival and killed her, she cried in Gyllis’s arms. After crying for a long time, she asked Gyllis to wash her. She didn’t want to see her rival’s blood on her clothes._

_‘’You’ll get used to it in time, Clara.’’ Gyllis was trying to calm her while she was giving her a bath._

_‘’I’m not sure if I want to get used to_ _killing people, Gyllis.’’ Clara replied, the guilt obvious in her voice._

_‘’But you will…eventually,’’ Gyllis said knowingly._

_‘’Shall I wash your hair too?’’_

_‘’Yes, please.’’_

_It became their tradition every time Clara killed another rival, Gyllis would hold her and comfort her. When Clara was done with crying, Gyllis would wash her, take her to her bed and stay until she was sure Clara was asleep._

‘’Gyllis, can you please explain to me what you mean?’’ Clara asked her friend who was lost in her thoughts. ‘’I don’t understand why you would want to stay here just because I can’t leave. I don’t have any choice but to stay, but you could have easily left…years ago.’’

‘’Because I could never leave you, Clara.’’

‘’But why?’’ Clara asked impatiently.

‘’You know what they say in my homeland?’’ Gyllis asked Clara instead of answering her question. ‘’ _A woman of good repute is the one who is in love with another woman_.’’ She smiled at Clara’s surprised face. ‘’Why are you looking at me like you can’t believe your ears, Clara?’’ she asked, amused. ‘’I’ve been sharing my bed with another gladiatrices for years. Surely you know that.’’

‘’Yes, I know but I didn’t assume you’re in love with all of them.’’

‘’Well, there’s only one that I’m in love with.’’ Gyllis said shyly avoiding eye contact. ‘’The truth is, I’ve never believed this saying until I met her. Then I realized how wise my ancestors were.’’

‘’Who is she?’’

‘’It’s you, Clara,’’ Gyllis said in a small but passionate voice. ‘’It always has been you.’’


End file.
